Swimming Upstream By Choice
It’s one thing to go with the flow of the mainstream and it’s one thing to rebel and drop out completely. But what about turning around and swimming upstream, away from the rest of the world and within yourself?
I decided to try this a few months ago while I was working at what I had initially thought was my dream job and somewhere I was planning on working until death do us part. This was a beautiful office in downtown on the water where my job was to be friendly, sort mail, run errands, and other assorted clerical duties. Easy as pie and with a great view.
Not so long after getting in the rhythm of the job, I realized that I was working in an office from my nightmares. Not to mention, I was working with people that probably would have been the ones dumping food on my head and spreading rumors about me back in high school.
Out of seemingly nowhere, I was going home at 5 o’clock feeling berated and hollow. I was losing my sense of self and my natural me-ness. The bummer of it was that everyone I talked to about it was unphased and said it was all completely normal office experiences.
Horrifying. Why? And how can I come up with a way to hug everyone enduring that treatment ASAP? Because I know they need one.
Hearing some of the stories from friends and family to help me understand why it’s normal made me think that my situation was actually not that bad. I assumed that I still worked in the perfect office and I should be grateful.
But I’m not a fool and I don’t lie to myself. I’ve tried. It’s unsuccessful.
What Will I Ever Do?
The upside of all of the office bullying and general non-sense was that I realized I needed to dive deep inside of myself and figure out who Brenna actually is.
I realized that if I can’t seem to make it work in the perfect office environment, that means I need to figure out a different way to exist on this planet without working in an office at all.
This revelation then led me to some serious soul searching. I got back to my roots and began focusing on the things that I actually love. For example, writing and reading, learning new information, meditating, doing yoga, among other things that I could happily do all day.
I Tried The Law of Attraction Thing
We have all heard of the law of attraction, The Secret (which really isn’t a secret anymore), Abraham Hicks, etc. If you haven’t, it goes like this: Ask the Universe for anything and know that you are worth it and trust that it will come and TA-DA there it is!
I have always wanted to believe this and I have tried it before. Well, this time was different. I really really wanted something. And I actually for once truly believed that I would get it.
I had crunched the numbers for how much money I would need to stay home for three months and focus on myself. At the end of the second month, if I didn’t figure it out, I knew I could get on indeed and go back into Office Hell and I would just use my best discernment to make sure it’s the best hell possible.
I needed “X” amount of money and I asked the Universe for that very amount. Everyday for a little under two weeks I asked for this amount. I told my partner and he was surprisingly onboard with it. I also told my 5 year old and advisor, Maddox. As a family, we began referring to this whole thing as the “Money Miracle”. I found out later that my 5 year old told his teacher, as well. I imagine it was something like this “My mommy is asking the Universe for a money miracle and when she gets it, I get to spend summer at home!”
Anyway, the whole world knew about it and it was becoming a real deal thing.
One day, as I sat at my perfect desk at my perfect job hoping not to lose my mind and soul (again, like the day before), I decided to check my bank account.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, there sat “X” amount, plus some.
My jaw dropped to the floor. Which has never happened, by the way. It kind of hurt. I also cried a little. Not because of the pain but because, HELLO SERIOUSLY?
Long story short, there was an amount of money floating around in the ether and it landed in my account and it was all very explainable, yet totally unexpected.
“It Is Time”
I already had the passion and now I had the money to do it, too. All I needed at that point was the cojones (or, for you english speakers, the gumption).
My boss was the same person from highschool that made me cry in the bathroom every other day, embodied in a middle aged southern woman.
That might not be the best choice of words.
Basically, she wasn’t my biggest fan. Still not sure why. I think it’s because I am a generally happy individual who loves Earth and her inhabitants. A lot of people don’t know how they feel about that.
So, needless to say, I was scared to go in there and tell her I was leaving for good.
However, I did it anyway and it actually went really well. She had me work out a week instead of two and it was all fairly smooth.
Aside from doing the deed of quitting, the only other fear then was what to do next.
What I Did Next
What I did next is what I am doing right now. I am spending the summer with my aforementioned advisor and good pal, the 5 year old, and I am writing and reading and learning and meditating and all of the other et ceteras.
I am finding myself. Well, I should say that I am searching for myself. I am figuring out who I am and what I want to do. I am also realizing that I must know myself before I know my path. So, everyday I listen to my Soul and my heart and I don’t do anything that brings me stress or frustration because it doesn’t benefit my healing or soul searching process.
I have an instagram that I use to post spiritual quotes that I make up as I go along, I signed up at a gym that I’m actually going to regularly, and I made a pretty neat website that consists of words from the heart and that helps my healing, as well.
Self Care Is Weird
What a strange, yet true statement.
For some people self care is totally unweird (is that a word? it wasn’t underlined so I’m keeping it). For me, though, self care is kind of odd.
I am the type of person that is referred to as an empath. My time is dedicated to those I love and keep near because I literally feel their needs and cant help but take care of those needs. Obviously, I am also a mom of a 5 year old and also a 2 year old so I really dedicate my time to them before myself, too.
My upbringing also engrained me with this guilt thing that causes me to think I shouldn’t focus solely on myself so that also adds to the weirdness of self care.
But I am learning.
We can’t really do much in life if we are putting ourselves on the back burner. Which, in this society, is quite difficult to accept. We are forced to put ourselves on the back burner. We must have jobs. We must work more than we sleep and eat and care for our families. That’s America. That’s Life.
However, I strongly feel we need to rethink this.
There are a million (or somewhere around 50) ways to make money from home or from the places in the world that you would rather be than behind a desk.
We have to decide if our happiness is worth more. And if we decide that it is, we have to take the time and strength to swim upstream to tend to our happiness.
Take Time For You Today
We all deserve a chance to water our own garden that is our human self and our Soul. We all deserve to live a happy life where we aren’t being bullied at work and denied basic freedoms, like stepping outside to see the sun in its fullness during our work day.
My wish is that one day we all be self sustainable, or at least find what we want to do and pursue it.
My second wish is also that the Law of Attraction is actually legit and that it wasn’t just a insanely well timed coincidence that that money came to me. If it really is legit, then my third wish is that you reading this right now will crunch the numbers for your own sabbatical and ask the Universe for it and receive it.
Let’s live our dreams, beautiful people.
I will leave off with this quote from one of my favorite humans ever:
I hate who I’m becoming, socially. Like, all of my social interactions, I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.Tom Segura, Mostly Stories